


This Fic Gave Me Cancer

by Heiwako



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Gen, Humor, Literature, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 15:04:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4440431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heiwako/pseuds/Heiwako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ulfric Stormcloak is super hungry for crab legs. Maybe the Dragonborn can get him some?</p><p>Inspired by Skyrim Kink Meme.<br/>Copyright Bethesda<br/>Comments loved.</p><p>I really enjoyed writing this. It was a lot of fun. I hope everyone else enjoyed it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Fic Gave Me Cancer

Warning: The following story is a parody and not to be taken seriously in the slightest. Please enjoy. ^_^

Once upon a time the Listener was summoned by Ulfric Stormcloak to do a mission. 

"Dragonborn, I need you to do a mission for me," Ulfric said commandingly. He said many things commandingly because he was the future High King of Skyrim. It wasn't official or anything, but it was true because Ulfric Stormcloak said it was. And Ulfric Stormcloak was never wrong. 

"What is it, my jarl?" the Listener, who was also the Dragonborn, said. Ulfric Stormcloak didn't know the Listener and the Dragonborn were the same person because that would have been silly. Although sometimes the Listener wondered why Ulfric Stormcloak didn't know because she wore her shrouded armor all the time. All the time. Even when she and Ulfric Stormcloak had sexy times, which were a lot. 

Ulfric was good at sex. He had a big penis like all Nords. 

True fact. 

Anyway, Ulfric Stormcloak was telling the Listener/Dragonborn/Archmage/Harbinger/Guildmaster that he wanted her to do something. "Marilena," he addressed her, but her real name was Rosaria Aurora Desiree Maria Elaina Corbeau, but that was really a mouthful, so he just called her Marilena because she had introduced herself as that. "I am craving crab legs. I command you to go get some from the Crabber's Shack," Ulfric commanded. "Are you a bad enough dude to get me some crab legs?" 

"Yes, my jarl!" Marilena said, giving a little salute. It was really cute. 

I should tell you right now that Marilena was very beautiful and everything she did was cute. She had hair like gold that fell in waves like the ocean to the curve of her back. She had eyes like a perfect blue summer sky. Her skin was like pure cream from a really healthy cow. And her teeth were white like ivory. And not that fake stuff either. Real ivory from mammoths. Also, she had big boobs. Everyone loved her because she had a good personality and completed all the faction quests. 

"Cicero will help!" the jester assassin Keeper said. He was there too. He always went adventuring with Marilena, because she was the Listener. Cicero liked the Listener. 

"Bye bye, Ulfric," Marilena said as she blew a kiss to Ulfric. Ulfric pretended to catch it, but he did it in a manly way. Because Ulfric was manly. 

Marilena and Cicero left the Palace of Kings to find the Crabber's Shack. The Spectral Assassin, who was there when they talked to Ulfric, but I forgot to mention it so pretend that you knew, said, "Windhelm. White as bone, and cold as the Void." 

"Lucien is very smart," Cicero commented. He meant the Spectral Assassin because that was the Spectral Assassin's name  Lucien LaChance. 

"Yes, he is," Marilena agreed. 

The trio traveled to the Crabber's Shack. They had many adventures of killing bandits, trolls, giants, dragons, and one goat. The goat was bad news and deserved it. 

When they got to the Crabber's Shack, Marilena said to the Crabber, "I would like to buy some crab legs from you. Ulfric Stormcloak craves them." 

"Why should I give you the crabs I work so hard to catch?" the crabber said rudely. 

"Um, because you catch them to sell them?" Cicero said. 

"Oh, right," the crabber said, feeling bad for being so mean. "Well, too late, I am all out of crabs. You'll have to catch your own." 

"Oh, dear," Marilena said. "I'm scared of mudcrabs." 

"Worry not, sweet Listener, Cicero will protect you!" Cicero declared. 

"Oh, could you do that as a song?" Marilena requested. 

"Fear not, my sweet, soon we'll have fresh crab meat," Cicero sang. Then he realized that he had called the Listener his sweet and that made him blush. 

Marilena blushed too. 

Lucien didn't. He was a ghost. 

The trio followed the river to find a fresh mudcrab for its crab legs. Suddenly, a giant king mudcrab emerged from the river. 

"A giant king mudcrab!" Marilena exclaimed. She pulled out her glass sword. "I must hit its weak point!" 

The Listener ran forward and struck the crab in its weak point. 

Cicero pulled out his daggers, licked them, did a back flip, then some cartwheels, and landed behind the crab. "Let's kill someone!" he chirped as he chipped at the crab's hard shell. 

"I grow restless," Lucien declared. He jumped onto the crab's head and speared its brain with his ghost sword. The crab shuddered and died. 

"We did it!" Marilena cheered as she pumped her fist into the air. "Ulfric is going to be so happy." 

"Ulfric?" Cicero asked the points of his jester's cap dropping. "What makes Ulfric so special?" 

"Because we're going to get married and he's going to make me High Queen of Skyrim," Marilena explained. 

"Nooooo!" Cicero cried. He walked over to the Crabber's Shack, which they were not far from, grabbed a fish, and walked back over before he slapped the Listener in the face with it. "Cicero cannot allow this!" 

"Why not Cicero?" Marilena asked in a shocked voice. She had not thought Cicero would hit her in the face with a fish. Especially a bass because trout is better for hitting someone with. Salmon is best. 

"Because," Cicero took a deep breath as he blushed so red his face looked like his hair, "because Cicero is in love with the Listener!" Cicero hid his face in his hands. He could not believe that he just told the beautiful Listener that he loved her! It was wrong, but felt so right. 

"I, I never knew," Marilena said, also blushing. She did so very prettily. 

Lucien was chopping up the crab to make it easier to carry. He was helpful like that. 

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" Marilena asked Cicero. 

"Cicero didn't want to hurt our friendship," Cicero said, still not able to stop blushing. 

"Well, I love you too!" Marilena declared. 

"What about Ulfric?" Cicero asked, shocked and unbelieving. 

"Screw Ulfric!" Marilena said, making tiny fists with her tiny hands. 

"You already did!" Cicero said, sadly, remembering those many loud nights of sexy times Marilena had with Ulfric. 

"Well, screw him in the bad way!" Marilena retorted. "I would rather be with you." 

"Oh, Listener, you make Cicero so happy!" Cicero said happily. He leaned forward, glad that Marilena was a Breton so she was shorter than him and he wouldn't have to stretch on tip toes or wear platform shoes to reach her soft, red lips. He kissed those soft, red lips, sad that he had hit his Listener in the face with a fish. Not because she didn't deserve it, but because she now smelled and tasted like fish. 

"Crabber, please have this giant king crab to sell to whoever wants it," Marilena said generously. "Cicero, Lucien, let's go home!" 

"I grow restless. As does my blade," Lucien grumbled. "Perhaps we should find a random stranger to murder. Practice does make perfect." 

"Lucien, you always have the best ideas!" Cicero said. He held his hand up high so two fingers made a V shape. "Go, Team Murder!" 

Marilena joined Cicero. "Go Team Murder!" 

The trio of assassins wandered off to go murder a random stranger. Everyone lived happily ever after. 

Except Ulfric. He never got his crab legs. 

"I'm so hungry," Ulfric said from his throne. 

The end.


End file.
